1. |
Holding Us All Up
03:17
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I said I was fine
and I want you to believe me
because you usually believe me
you usually do.
It's just that there's places
that I cannot go yet
and one of those places
is where I am now.
And it won't take long to figure out
if you wanted the truth you should've found another way
and left me out.
I used to be smaller
without feeling smaller
and if I were stronger,
I'd hold us all up
but I'm holding us all up
I'm holding us all up
and if I were older
I'd turn into sawdust.
And it won't take long to figure out
the shake in my palms is a character flaw
that I'm not sure I can do without.
and I cannot wait
like I have been waiting
for someone to say
that I need changing.
I cannot wait
until there's a day
where I take off my skin
and feeling something new again, something new again.
And it won't take long to figure out
when I said I was lonely, I wanted something new to think about
and maybe try to lighten myself.
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2. |
A Body/A Stray Dog
05:22
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A body that’s brave once said to me
that I’m wasting my time where I’m at
and where I’ll stay when I move all my things
offers no consolation for that
so I set aside comfort in my life
to see if that was in my way
until I believe I got what was owed
and then watched it go off to its grave
its grave
A body that’s kind once left behind
my body for someone less frail
and even I could not recognise
the mercy this leaving entails
so I sat confused at the end of my noose
while I was waiting for my life to end
and I was surprised that the end of my life
had no trace of how it began
and like a stray dog
I never had any worth at all
wandering lost
shivering scared in the fall
A body less weak breathed into me
and let me tend to my wounds
and it felt wrong, even if a relief
to feel the air back in my lungs
and I fell in love with someone from afar
who would pity me whatever I did
so it was a enough for most of my life
to try hard just never to life
A body that’s mine was buried inside
a hole
that I took for shelter when I was getting cold
and I feel resigned to what I left behind
and that’s all
all that I have besides what I can hold
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3. |
Bother
03:21
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Please don't bother me with all those stories that I've said I've said before
Please don't bother me with all those stories that I've said I've said before
and even if I could I don't think I would ever do those things again
and even if I could I don't think I would ever do those things again
And, oh, how I've tried to let it go.
Please don't bother me with those excuses that I've made, I'll make again.
Please don't bother me with those excuses that I've made, I'll make again.
and if it seems like I'm bitter,
you should know that I am.
And, oh, how I've tried to let it go.
But I guess I could hold on.
I guess I could hold on,
At least for one more lifetime,
I guess I could hold on.
And, oh, how I've tried to let it go.
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4. |
Last Thing
02:47
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If I weren’t embarrassed
I would follow you
like a lost dog
like a shadow
like an anchor
but the last thing that I’d wanna do
is be the one that’s holding you back
I have been counting
the things I do that make you laugh
like a songbird
on a treeline
in the mountains
and the last thing that I’d wanna do
it to be forgotten by you
and the last thing that I’d wanna do
is put distance between me and you
and the last thing that I’d wanna do
is to be the one holding you
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5. |
I Will Learn to Suffer
03:08
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I can feel the blood under my fingernails
I can see the blood under my skin
I will learn how to suffer
I will learn how to suffer
For you
I will read myself in your stories
I will wear myself in your clothes
and I will never try to change the ending
I will never try to change the ending.
For you, for you (and I will learn to suffer)
For you, for you (and I will learn to suffer)
For you, for you (and I will learn to suffer)
For you, for you (and I will learn, I will learn)
I will keep both my hands behind my back
until I need them to pull myself down from where I'm at
and my body feels like pavement, I can't relax
until I pull myself back down from where I'm at.
For you, and I will learn to suffer
For you, and I will learn to suffer
For you, and I will learn to suffer
For you, and I will learn, I will learn
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6. |
Where I Lay You Down
03:49
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No one could predict this,
no one was to blame,
when the snow takes our houses,
we will die before the rain.
Breathe the truth on your backbone
before I turn to leave.
Find the smallest respite
in the browning leaves.
There's blood in your silhouette
and I don't know what to make of it
yet.
There's blood on the ground
in the cold where I lay you down.
Try to believe me.
I can't sound sincere.
When I lay my bones down,
I won't be far from here.
Frost will cover the branches
and in some days time,
the earth will have forgotten
all these tracks of mine.
There's blood in your silhouette
and I don't know what to make of it
yet.
There's blood on the ground
in the cold where I lay you down.
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7. |
From What Has Grown
05:17
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I wasn’t keeping track
it must have been a thousand miles
my feet are calloused even though it’s been a week and we were driving
and I’ve got this thought in my head
for when it turns December
and we forget that we ever talked
We discovered the same song together
and I don’t remember singing along once without laughing
and it killed some time on dirt roads
and on long nights after long days we could
shout it to the night
give me shelter
give me peace from cold
just don’t take the reasons that I go
just as soon as I warm these bones,
I’d gladly go again, you know
This isn’t the same lonely
as when I was alone
the isn’t the same lack of direction
as when I was lost
this isn’t something I can escape myself
I’ll come clean
I’ll come clean
with it now
I could make a home
from what has grown
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8. |
Make Do
02:10
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I've already lost enough sleep
to ruin the winter for me.
Something in my mind was aching
and I've got the rest of my life to fake it.
But I'm not good enough
to make do.
Hanging on by a single thread,
something that my conscience once said:
"It's alright if you never choose
because no one is waiting for you."
And I'm not good enough to make do.
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9. |
Flatland
03:09
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When no one’s around
I will measure miles
and tell myself
I’ll get across this flat land to your house.
Where we’ve been,
in several million years,
will be gone, will be gone,
and us, sooner than them.
I’m afraid that moving on
means forgetting— I know it does
and all the people that I love
are memories that I can’t keep up
are memories that I can’t keep up.
I’m sure wherever you go is a safe bet
and I wouldn’t say the same thing for myself
but I will find my bearing based on what I can remember
from when I used your shoulder as a crutch.
I’m afraid that moving on
means forgetting— I know it does.
And all the people that I love
are memories that I can’t keep up
are memories that I can’t keep up.
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10. |
From Where You Are
05:34
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Swapping stories about high school
we're not those people anymore
and February just might save us
if this house can keep us warm.
I kept some secrets for a long time
to share with somebody I know.
Another heavy-handed love song
for me to show
in place of it again.
And it's a long way home from where you are
and it's a long way home for everyone
and it speaks to me like a distant dream
of you and I
and I thought it was real but now it's time
to let it die, to let it die
and I feel alright, I feel alright, I'm fine
and I feel alright, I feel alright
I feel alive.
That old house we said we'd go back to
if we had a little time
but it's been four years and we haven't yet
I think you might've changed your mind
between the roadtrips and the restaurants
when we both turned 17,
I finally found out how to say it
but I didn't say a thing.
And it's a long way home from where you are
and it's a long way home for everyone
and it speaks to me like a distant dream
of you and I
and I thought it was real but now it's time
to let it die, to let it die
and I feel alright, I feel alright, I'm fine
and I feel alright, I feel alright
I feel alive.
And it's so cold
that I can see my breath
but I can't find the words in it.
And try as I might
to let it go,
I can't and you know it.
And it's a long way home from where you are
and it's a long way home for everyone
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11. |
Shitty
02:21
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Optimistic like you never fail
like you never fail
to be
and I'm just trying to hold where I am
hold fast where I am
to me
And it's raining
but the sun's out
and I know that you remember how
shitty it feels to be cynical
and you never wished it on yourself
but sometimes it doesn't need help.
And I apologize if I seem weighted down
with insecurity
I just wanna ditch these bad ideas
that I bring along with me.
And it's raining
but the sun's out
and I know that you remember how
shitty it is to wake up alone
and I always did that to myself
and I never thought I needed help.
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12. |
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I haven't felt right in my chest for a year
and pictures of mountains say where I've been
and eyes in the back of my head press into
my skull when all that I wanted to see
were faded pictures of you and me
were faded pictures of you and me.
I felt like a survivor for all of the drowning I'd done
I felt like a survivor for all of the freezing I'd done
and for the longest time
every thought of mine
I had it backwards
and for the longest time
every thought of mine
I had it backwards
Oh please take some pity on me
while you have the chance
do I deserve it yet?
Oh please take some pity on me.
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13. |
Teeth
03:09
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I tore apart all I could with my teeth
and I hoped the feeling I was finding was peace
and I tried so hard just to not be a threat
or anything else to the people I met
and I tried to hold the wind under my tongue
and let it out every time that I sung
but now I just feel like I'm running out of breath
because the people who come are so easily left
and the sun will thaw for the afternoon
people talking about things I thought that I knew
but I'm not sure I can ever be sure
about the things that I know I don't know anymore.
I thought I was brave just for living so long
but now that I'm older I know that it's wrong
to count all the changes that I tried to make
and then think that change is worth anything.
I truly believed if I worried enough
that I'd be forgiven for all the things that I'd done
and thought I was hurt, no one ever hurt me
it was just me, it was just me.
On the car ride home, I knew I would be scared
and all of my courage had finally left
and I know now that the avalanches
follow close behind me so I know where I've been.
I tore apart all I could with my teeth
and I hoped the feeling I was finding was peace
and I tried so hard just to not be a threat
or anything else to the people I met.
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